what does it cost you

Everything in life has a cost to it. Whatever we choose to do, be or think there is a cost. Sometimes we don’t mind what the cost is. Raising our children, though hard or painful at times, is worth every cost involved. Time spent on good, healthy things is also worth the cost. Giving time to our spiritual beliefs, despite others not understanding, is also worth the cost.

But what about the negative things. All the time, health, opportunities wasted or lost. The times we spend on our addictions that take us away from the good things in our lives. The addictions or problems that increase our health risks and in some cases ruin our health.

Whilst no one chooses to have an eating disorder, the time spent (sometimes years) before recovery is begun has such a high cost. Sometimes the sufferer can see the cost involved and it crushes them into thinking there is no point even starting to climb the mountain out of this. Others can’t see it or deny it. But there is a heavy cost involved.

• Loss of family or friendships
• Loss of education or work
• Loss of healthy or rewarding relationships
• Loss of yourself and your own abilities and gifts
• Loss of self-esteem
• Loss of choices
• Loss of health – the longer an eating disorder continues the higher the health cost. In some areas it is irreversible.
• Loss of youth and all it’s normal peer group stages
• Loss of  life – eating disorders kill

The eating disorder in its early stages appears to offer benefits. Control, power, protection etc. But in the end these ‘benefits’ are only illusions. They turn against you and work in the opposite way. You only become chained and gagged by the eating disorder.

Despite the size of the recovery road, it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Take it in small steps, don’t look at the whole mess around you in one go. Tackle little bits at a time. The bottom line though is this, delaying recovery because you feel overwhelmed is not an option. It only prolongs the eating disorder and raises the costs even higher. The ultimate cost is your life  - far too many have already given the highest price. The cost that falls back onto their families is heartbreaking. Giving up is not an option and it is not the easy choice. It backfires into making it harder to break free.

training wheels in grief

Today marks a year since mum died. My dad, brother and myself have walked each step of this last week a year ago, particularly the horror and surrealness of yesterday and today. It has been a year of firsts without mum – her birthday, our birthdays, christmas, easters, mothers day, and now today. Also a year in learning far more about my father than I wanted to know and hints as to what my parents relationship may really have been like. Maturity is learning the realness of our parents and learning to accept that.

I have given up bothering with the grief cycle. Grief is hard enough when you had a good relationship with the deceased. When that relationship was complicated and abusive then grieving is taken to a whole new level.

My mothers gift to me was to try an eliminate myself. My person, my gifts, my independence, my femininity, my womanhood, my maturity.

I do not exaggerate. My relationship with her was always trying to please, keep the boat from sinking. My relationships with others were based on me being inferior because that was the lesson I learned. My mother stamped her way over my life, my ex continued the stamping.

BUT she loved me. I know this. She would have taken the bullet if there was one facing me. And I loved her.

I miss her, but I also have relief in being free for the first time.

I gave up on books about grieving too. They either assumed you had a good relationship with your mum, or gave a pathetic paragraph or two in passing reference to those who had abusive mothers. I have had to find my own way in this, and still have not come to terms nor a harbour.

This much is true. In grieving you must grieve the whole person. I cannot just remember the good times. I cannot rewrite the person she was into someone I wanted. When I look back at my memories I have to remember both good and bad. I have to truly see and accept my mother as she was. Complex – as our relationship was. It’s not easy. There are questions, that will never have answers. There will never be closure nor understanding. There will always be regret for things not said, not aired. Regret for the inability for either of us to bridge the gap. Regret for thinking there would be plenty of time to talk.

In grieving for the whole person my mother was, there must be forgiveness. For sanity sake and because of my love for her, I have to (and have) forgive her. She was also at the mercy of influences outside of her control, her love may have been tainted, but she still loved. She was not perfect and did the best she could. Like we all are and do. I too have bequeathed to my kids both good and bad.

She also bequeathed two other gifts that were priceless.

(1) Raising me in a christian environment, that then became my own belief.

(2) Her elimination of me, birthed an inner strength. I become a survivor, a small but steady flicker of inner strength that slowly grew, sometimes in danger of being snuffed out, but never giving up.

It is still going to take time to put all the pieces together, to make my mum a whole person that I can remember with peace. I honour parts of my mother, I need to honour all of my mother. Because she is human, because she is my mother.

look at the size of my thighs

Fat girl is back. Got no idea what triggered it. Sophie can’t tell me and seems to prefer to just let it slide. Clearly slipping back into restrictive eating is a comfort zone and so much easier than having to face whatever is happening. It means she doesn’t have to make decisions, grow up, or confront the need to be active.

Food intake back to about a 1/4 of her daily needs. A plan of doing this for 2 weeks at least. She hasn’t thought further ahead. Cancelled this week’s counselling appt. Hoping she decides to make next week’s appt.

Oh, and it’s my fault. I should have told her she is fat.

Trying to keep out of this, encourage her only and let her know she has all the tools already to fight this. She only needs to pull out her distraction toolbox, remember the many conversations with her dietitian, counsellor or psychiatrist. It is all there. But for now she is choosing to not even try. I am hoping that like that last slip ups she will get to small health problems and cave in. Too soon yet for that to happen.

genetic research

For those interested in what is happening in genetic links in eating disorder research there is currently much happening. Several of the subscribe emails I get have talked about the new research projects that are currently happening world-wide. I have provided the links below as well as a couple of paragraphs from the EDVictoria newsletter to give some information about the research.

Research already shows there is a genetic link. However research also shows this is not the only cause of eating disorders. What the genetic research does and will show is the predisposition to an eating disorder and possible/better treatment options. Even you if have the genetic disposition to develop an eating disorder, it doesn’t mean that you will. It is like those with the disposition for alcoholism – not everyone becomes one. It is life, environment, social, cultural, family issues that relate back to the genetic disposition. Eating disorders are incredibly complex, it is not a situation of one simple diagnosis nor simple treatment options.

What is important for anyone caring, treating or trying to understand eating disorders is not to solely say it is a genetic problem only. This can then limit treatment options and or delays treatment. It is not an excuse for families to say that the family environment is not part of the problem or the support they should be giving is not required because it is a genetic problem. Those suffering from eating disorders don’t need another label of ‘genetic problem’ with no support, no therapy into psychological/emotional areas that feed into eating disorders developing.

For example, let’s take my daughter. Yes she has the genetic pre-disposition, both from myself and her father. Our genes created the ‘perfect storm’ situation. My daughter also has the inherent personality traits that are associated with eating disorders. BUT, her social and dysfunctional family environment have impacted her greatly and her ability to cope with such environments means she develops anorexia, instead of depression, drug or drink usage etc. Her father is a major issue with the development of the anorexia, he is not to blame, but it is her ability to cope/not cope with his behaviour. Given that, if she came from very different home life, the chances of anorexia developing are much lower, despite her genetic pre-disposition. Without addressing the social and family environment my daughter would have a very tough time trying to recover. If I took the approach of genetic problem only, my daughter would not have received a lot of the support she has had.

Point to take however – families are NOT to blame for someone getting an eating disorder. There is a genetic pre-disposition. You also do the best as you can in family environments. No one sets out to give their child an eating disorder. Also how children perceive their family environment is crucial. That’s a childs personal, individual judgement and perception – out of parents realm and control. So no blame, but families are responsible for changing the environment for the better if they can and if they can’t then there is still no blame. If we all continued to blame our childhood environments for our psychological problems, none of us would ever mature. Recovery, maturity, growth is about taking responsibility for our own lives, REGARDLESS of our family environment. We leave it behind, stop blaming and move forward on our own.

From EDV:
Genetic research so far has revealed that individuals with eating disorders often share genes that reflect certain patterns of neuro-chemical functioning. For example neuro-chemical functioning that results in high levels of anxiety experienced, a common trait we observe in eating disorder (ED) clients. Further research may clarify these patterns. However, previous genetic research on eating disorders, and clinical practice observation of familial patterns of ED occurrence, demonstrate that eating disorders are not hereditary via a ‘single gene’, like for example Huntington’s disease, where genes signify a 50% chance of heritability.

Given the clinical practice evidence we understand that heritability is not an absolute given for eating disorders.  Even with common genes identified in the future we should still understand that these genes interact with other risk and protective factors, for example environmental factors, that contribute to the genes being expressed.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-05-24/world-first-study-into-anorexia-nervosa-genetics-links/4710266

Participate in the research project:
https://angi.qimr.edu.au/

http://www.scienceofeds.org/2013/06/11/beyond-simple-solutions-the-need-for-complex-ideas-in-anorexia-nervosa/

at what point my own life

This is a follow on post from the last one on how long you should care for those with an eating disorder. Ever since Sophie’s counsellor asked me to be there to back up things at home when Sophie starts back at counselling I have been giving this serious thought. At first I just automatically said yes, but since then I have been revising my position. Mind you, Sophie has still yet to front for a session. After finding something better to do for last weeks session, today’s one got ditched because the time wasn’t suitable for her, will see if she actually makes next week’s appointment.

Most carers put their own life on hold, particularly if you are doing family based therapy, refeeding at home, or just coping with the all out full-time job of eliminating an eating disorder in the household. At some point you have to pick up the pieces of your life. Start remembering you need to find yourself again. It isn’t healthy for either carer or sufferer to have the close, dependent relationships that exists during high level care. Sufferers need to become owners of their own recovery.

Sophie is no longer a child, and reminds me of that constantly. She needs to have the same space and outlets that a normal 18yr old has, but with a foundation below her though for her high risk areas. It is tricky to balance her right to being independent with the need to keep her safe. However, she now needs to keep herself safe. Make choices and decisions based on what she has learnt about the eating disorder, herself and what she wants for her own future.

People ask how she is at the moment, my response is ‘great weight, roller coaster emotions and mental thinking, that she is irritable and moody’. One response back to me ‘then you must be moody and irritable too’ got me thinking. Yes I am. Sophie’s moods permiate the house, making life miserable for any one near her at times. I am tired of being her emotional punching bag. Her outlet for blame and not accepting responsibility. It is time we separated into a normal mother/daughter relationship and she learns to stand herself. I cannot keep being there and I need my life back.

This means that whatever she discusses with her counsellor, I will listen if she wants to talk. But not take responsibility for it and whatever consequence she chooses to use to deflect emotions. Each time pushing back (gently or strongly as need be). I won’t wear the emotional outfall at all. That gets pushed back. I won’t be her blame or take on the ED talk about I am not doing enough to help her. I have carried her for ages, gradually pulling back as she passed recovery milestones. Now it belongs to her. If she chooses not to eat dinner (like last night), it is her decision. She knows the correct response and now needs to listen to her own voice.

It means I start going out and not being available 24/7. No mother is, particularly those of almost adult teenagers. Every mother has a social life of some sort, plus hobbies, interests etc. I now claim mine back and have already started. This also brings back my confidence that I have lost for so long (well hopefully). I have to out grow the damage the eating disorder has done to me. ED’s never just affect the sufferer. Every one gets knocked down – bit like a bomb explosion as it pushes out. I am no longer a victim of the eating disorder either. It is time for Sophie to also see me as a separate person. She thinks she owns me totally, wanting to know everything I am up to and passing comments. Not healthy nor correct, she also has much of her father’s controlling nature. I don’t aim to suddenly be completely unavailable and not there. That wouldn’t be fair either. Another balancing act but one that moves forward into a normal ,balanced relationship with Sophie – whatever normal is for us.

 

when do you stop being a carer

I have been thinking a lot about this question for a while. Partly in response to listening to talk from girls in recovery, partly our own situation. As a parent/carer when do you draw back?

A lot depends upon the age of the sufferer. The younger the more and longer the care you provide. As a parent, the younger your child is, make the most of having this time. You have the authority and ability to give everything to make sure your child becomes recovered and hopefully stays that way. Your child cannot recover themselves and need you there as their strength and foundation.

A critical time for continued care is when your loved one comes home from an inpatient facility. Just because they are weight recovered, does not mean they are mentally or emotionally recovered. The eating disorder is still there and your son or daughter need of you is critical. Don’t decide they don’t need you or that because they look healthy they are now well. Don’t assume that just because you paid a lot of money for the inpatient treatment, that your child is going to be grateful and respond accordingly. They won’t and can’t. They still have an eating disorder in their head.

There does come a stage in recovery when the sufferer needs to be responsible themselves. Make their own decisions about recovery. It is not so much an age thing but a maturity thing. It’s like raising a child – at some point they have to stand on their on two feet to gain maturity, independence and their own life. A sufferer to reach this stage needs:

1. a long term stable, correct BMI weight – a minimum of a year. This ensures both brain and body are now fully functioning at correct health levels.

2. a reasonable amount of continued therapy which helps them separate the ED from themselves.

3. being able to make good choices about food and life by themselves.

It’s not about suddenly dropping the care but more weaning them off care. As parent/carer you start handing over the reigns. Get them to make their own appointments, get them to be in charge of meals, food choices, make their own life decisions. Little steps become big steps. Recovery is about owning it yourself. Unless the sufferer becomes responsible and owns their own recovery, they will never become strong nor mature.

I cannot put timelines on this. Recovery is unique. Only you know the one you care for and what they are capable of. You can also release them to care for themselves, only to have to care for them again at a later date if they relapse. What is important is that care is not removed too soon and you leave the sufferer confused, lost, lonely or at the mercy of the eating disorder.

drop the balls – give up being perfect

You don’t have to do everything to be something - Lindsay Henry

Life is meant to be lived, not exhausted. Not full of stress and tired arms and sweaty palms because you are trying to keep the balls in the air while you keep yourself afloat.

Picture this: You’re standing in the middle of a gymnasium. One of your teachers or bosses or coaches—or some other type of authority figure that can occasionally make you nervous— walks into the gym. She has a small red bouncy ball.

“Hey. Catch.” She throws you the ball. “Now juggle.” She sits down on a bleacher bench, watching you. Waiting.

You catch the ball, and start throwing it up in the air, trying not to think about the fact that it technically isn’t juggling, since, you know, it’s just one ball. But that’s a technicality and it’s minor and you don’t want to sass the authority figure since she kinda makes you nervous. Especially since she’s just sitting there, all quiet on that bench.

But whatever. You keep throwing the ball. Then one of your best friends walks in.

“Hey!” She says. She’s holding a yellow bouncy ball, same size and shape as the ball you are throwing. “Catch!” She sits down next to the woman from earlier, nodding as if to say, “Now you can juggle.”

So you start to juggle the two balls—red, yellow, red, yellow, circling in the air. And right when you get the hang of it—“Hey this is awesome. I am totally juggling right now!”— two more friends come in. “Don’t forget about us!” they shout, throwing two balls at you—purple and blue—and sit down on the bleachers.

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire. Almost literally. Geez, you think.

Then your parents come in—“Hi, honey!” your mom shouts—and they throw you two more balls: green and orange.  Of course they would.

Now you are juggling six balls. And it’s really freaking hard. The balls are a spinning rainbow of color, circling above your head like large Fruit Loops or something.  Heck, you feel like a fruit loop, juggling these balls.

You’re aware of all of these people staring at you, watching you, wanting you to succeed—but you are only one person and you never really asked to juggle, did you? You were just standing in the gym. But you need to keep juggling. You need to succeed. You need to keep all of these balls in the air.

But you’re tired, so tired. Tired of the effort, tired of people watching you, tired of the fear of failure.

It’s hard to be everything to everyone. To do everything you can to keep yourself afloat while you’re barely hanging on. To get the right grades, hang out with all of your friends while making sure no friends are left out.

It’s hard to say no. It’s hard to give a piece of yourself to someone and get nothing in return but exhaustion and fear you are not good enough.

Honey, here’s what I have to say to you: Drop the bouncy balls. Let them all fall around you and echo across the gymnasium hardwood. Look across the gym to the bleachers where those people sit. They’re still there. You’re still there.

The world did not end because the bouncy balls dropped.

Stop and smell the roses. And the roses are everywhere–The scent of your sister’s newborn baby. The smell of the grass after it rains. The breeze on your fingertips as you lean your hand out the window, feeling the push and pull of the air.

Life is meant to be lived, not exhausted. Not full of stress and tired arms and sweaty palms because you are trying to keep the balls in the air while you keep yourself afloat.

If you are too busy being busy, being stressed doing too much too often, you miss it all. You miss your life. So breathe in. Breathe out. This is a life—your life.

If you feel the need to pick up some bouncy balls and juggle, go on and do it. But make sure you are doing it because you want to—not because someone said you should. And when you are juggling, don’t forget to breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, making sure to smell the roses of life.

Drop the bouncy balls. And look around.